Negative Feelings Exercise - by Fr. Anthony DeMello S.J.
If you've read my book Spirituality Simplified, you probably already know that my favorite spiritual teacher was Fr. Anthony DeMello. If you haven't heard of him, he was by all accounts quite the rebel among Catholic priests. Unfortunately, he passed away suddenly at the age of 57 but left behind a wealth of valuable and insightful spiritual teachings. You can learn more about his work at DeMello.org.
With that introduction in mind, the following Negative Feelings Exercise is something from DeMello that I discovered perhaps 10 years ago or more. I feel it is one of the most profound things I've ever read and therefore felt inspired to post this on this blog site. If you're a subscriber to my daily Ponder on This messages you may have seen part of this in the past, but even if you have it's definitely worth examining again. To contact me via email with any questions regarding this post click here. Bye for now.
Negative Feelings Exercise
First be silent and get in touch with yourself for a few seconds and become aware of your presence in the room, and become aware of the kind of thoughts that are going on within you.
Now, think of somebody you're living with or working with whom you do not like – who causes negative feelings to arise within you. Now let's help you understand that. To understand what's going on - first understand that the negative feeling is within you. What you understand will change.
You are responsible for the negative feeling. Not the other person. Somebody else in your place would be perfectly calm and at easy, in the presence of this person. Can you get in touch with that? Now say to this person, “I have no right to make any demand on you.” As you say that you drop your expectation, again – “I have no right to make any demand on you.” "Oh sure, I'll protect myself from the consequences of your actions, moods, or whatever – but you can go on right ahead and be what you choose to be!"
See what happens when you do this – And if there's a resistance’s to saying that – my how much you'll discover about yourself.
Let the dictator come out the tyrant too! You thought you were such a little lamb did you? I'm a tyrant – I want to run your life. I want you be what I expect you to be. Expect you to behave the way I want you to behave –and you better behave that way or else. Or, I shall punish myself by having negative feelings. That sounds so wise doesn’t it?
PS: Fr. DeMello also has this to say about anyone who feels they’ve been let down by someone else:
“Come off it, you never trust anyone, you simply trust your judgment about that person. Most people look to the other person and say, ‘how could you let me down?’ when the truth is they don’t want to admit to themselves, “My judgment was lousy!”
With that introduction in mind, the following Negative Feelings Exercise is something from DeMello that I discovered perhaps 10 years ago or more. I feel it is one of the most profound things I've ever read and therefore felt inspired to post this on this blog site. If you're a subscriber to my daily Ponder on This messages you may have seen part of this in the past, but even if you have it's definitely worth examining again. To contact me via email with any questions regarding this post click here. Bye for now.
Negative Feelings Exercise
First be silent and get in touch with yourself for a few seconds and become aware of your presence in the room, and become aware of the kind of thoughts that are going on within you.
Now, think of somebody you're living with or working with whom you do not like – who causes negative feelings to arise within you. Now let's help you understand that. To understand what's going on - first understand that the negative feeling is within you. What you understand will change.
You are responsible for the negative feeling. Not the other person. Somebody else in your place would be perfectly calm and at easy, in the presence of this person. Can you get in touch with that? Now say to this person, “I have no right to make any demand on you.” As you say that you drop your expectation, again – “I have no right to make any demand on you.” "Oh sure, I'll protect myself from the consequences of your actions, moods, or whatever – but you can go on right ahead and be what you choose to be!"
See what happens when you do this – And if there's a resistance’s to saying that – my how much you'll discover about yourself.
Let the dictator come out the tyrant too! You thought you were such a little lamb did you? I'm a tyrant – I want to run your life. I want you be what I expect you to be. Expect you to behave the way I want you to behave –and you better behave that way or else. Or, I shall punish myself by having negative feelings. That sounds so wise doesn’t it?
PS: Fr. DeMello also has this to say about anyone who feels they’ve been let down by someone else:
“Come off it, you never trust anyone, you simply trust your judgment about that person. Most people look to the other person and say, ‘how could you let me down?’ when the truth is they don’t want to admit to themselves, “My judgment was lousy!”
Posted by Jeff Maziarek at 10/31/2009 12:45 PM 
Categories: Spiritual growth tools
Tags: Anthony DeMello Awareness
Categories: Spiritual growth tools
Tags: Anthony DeMello Awareness
Thanks for this exercise Jeff.. I will be trying it out. I have been thinking how can I learn to be less judgmental of my co workers.. I sat in a meeting with my co workers last week, and I was very aware of this someones control issues, , anthers addiction to drama, another persons victim attitude, and another's acting like she had no idea what was going on.. These were so obvious to me. Then I began to wonder what am I doing that is so obvious to an on looker that I can not see? If only I could just be and let others be without judgment.. I would be free to concentrate on the meeting and not the people..and I would not have hung on to the personal details of the meeting ..
Very interesting and I look forward to reading more of your blog. I am not a very articulate whitter but quite the articulate thinker.. blessings Di
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